Lullanotes

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.
― C.S. Lewis, 'The Four Loves'

I love my designer bags, accessories and clothes as much as a lot of other women I've seen. As much as the neighbour down the corridor likes her plant, as much as the man in the nice shirt loves his shiny car and as much as my mother whoops in joy at supermarket sales. It's frivolous, I give you that but honestly, I find no shame in it. I work hard to finance my desires and I will not justify that it is a good way of spending hard-earned dosh but it's my money, I am allowed to be careless with it (but I want to assure you I wish I didn't).

No, it is not a post at flaunting whatever little I have. I've been using designer wallets for a long time because I always feel that if I have to splurge on designer anything, wallets are the best cost-per-wear items to own as one doesn't change her wallet everyday and usually it lasts for at least a good 2 - 3 years if not much longer. However I've been looking at minimizing the things that I bring outside with me. I used to step out of the house carrying the world with me in a giant tote. In this huge bag, you could find every single convenience from batteries to another pair of flats and extra underwear to full size perfume to a plastic fan. Since then, I've come a long way and managed to pair down to the absolute essentials ‒ iPad, mobile charger for my constantly dying phone, minimal makeup kit, keys, phone and a wallet. I even managed to squeeze these into a crossbody bag ... except for the wallet. I had these thick, fat wallets and my love for leather didn't help.

It was frustrating because although the leather was soft and smoochy and the brand shines through in uniformly spaced out letters, it was something I felt I could scale back on in size on but foolhardily refused to. Anyway, to cut the long story short, there came this day I just wanted things to be simple. I just wanted to bring out a fully charged phone, a wallet and house keys and stuff them into this mini clutch so I dug around, found the Coach Poppy Graffiti Wristlet that a few of my friends had given to me for my 30th birthday and decided to use it.

Instead, I found Freedom. The purse was utilitarian. It had a large zipped compartment which consisted of 4 spacious card slots and a coin compartment. There was also an exterior slot and it had straps. The spacious card slots were important because I had to carry my debit and credit cards, personal identification card and some discount cards. Each card slot could fit 2 cards at least and the last one could probably fit four. For the bills, I just put it in the main compartment and my coins are neatly stashed into the inner zipped compartment. The outer slot was important for putting my subway card which I used to lose on a very regular basis because I would not put it in my bulky wallet with my other cards. The best part is of course the detachable straps. Even if I had an abyss for a bag, I could detach the straps and hang it around the handle of the bag and never lose my wallet in my mess again. It was patent and I never feared getting it dirty because just a wet wipe would clean it up very nicely. All those crap stuffed in the little pink purse and it didn't look like it held the universe. It was still slim and sleek plus I genuinely also love it for the sentimental value. I stopped using my other more expensive wallet but I didn't miss it, especially now it fits perfectly into my smallest of bags and I didn't have to juggle a bowl of noodles, a drink and on top of it, a bulky wallet during lunch.

Maybe the same applies in Life itself. Perhaps we overthink the amount of things we need in our life and over-emphasize on what we thought was important and how others look at us. It turned out what I was looking for in a wallet wasn't something prestigious or even extremely well-crafted in the finest material. I was looking for something useful, befitting of my lifestyle and the sentimental value was only a reason to love it even more.

The first time I saw this Youtube video by Dove, I like it a lot. The main reasons being:

1. They are not trying too hard to sell me, as a viewer, anything. So that in itself, I feel, gives them a lot more credibility. If they had ended with something remotely like "Buy Dove to make your natural beauty shine through!" (yes I made it up), I would have trashed the video and not give it any more thought.

2. It has a really positive message behind it which is asking women to look at themselves more kindly and honestly, I don't think people do it enough. I am guilty of this too.

3. There was attention to details like the fact that they didn't just engage a random artist to sketch but an FBI trained forensic artist who is used to sketching based on descriptions and have tons of experience in that area.

It was also interesting to see other people's point of view regarding the video. jazzylittledrops felt uncomfortable because she felt there was too little diversity in the choice of their subjects and which I tend to agree. I would have appreciated if they also used someone who is on the bigger side or someone who is awkward etc ... you get my point. She was also disturbed that one woman at the end said "I should be more grateful of my natural beauty. It impacts the choices and the friends we make, the jobs we go out for, they way we treat our children, it impacts everything. It couldn’t be more critical to your happiness." and she felt that too much emphasis is placed on the physical appearance and we all know that how we are as humans and the roles we play to others are so much more than that. I don't feel quite the same in this aspect. I think the sentence "I should be more grateful of my natural beauty" is not only pertaining to external beauty but also the outlook that she views herself. Because she has a lower sense of worth in her physical appearance, she is riddled with an inferiority complex that affects how she deals with people and the world. I know I've done things like dressing myself up for no special occasion or putting on a new lipstick colour and telling myself I am beautiful on random days and it just felt like the day is sunnier, I walk with a spring in my steps and I smile more easily. On the days I think I look crap unpresentable, it ultimately made me feel bad about myself and the day was spent trying to avoid contact with people and rushing home earlier to wallow in my own company.

(No offense to you I hope, jazzylittledrops! It wasn't particularly meant to single you out but your post gave me food for thought.)

Why don't you watch it and judge the video for yourself according to how you feel? I know I spent some time thinking on what I would have told the forensic artist if I was the subject of interest.

You are crying! You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! All I wanted was to be loved for myself.
― Gaston Leroux, 'The Phantom of the Opera'

I was fourteen when 'The Phantom of the Opera' came to Singapore. My best friend then, let's call her WL, asked me if I would be interested to watch it with her. I remembered that the Category 1 tickets were about SGD128 then and Category 2 tickets were at SGD90. Being in secondary school and having parents who did not understand my interest in musicals and frankly with no means to meant that I could only afford Category 2 tickets on my own then. I did not blame my parents one bit. My father was the sole bread winner and I have no doubt that they would have given me the money had they known I wanted to see it that badly. But paying for my ticket would also mean they have to scrimp and save in other ways. We tried to buy our tickets too late and by then, the only tickets available to us were the Category 1 tickets. I gave up watching the musical, telling myself that it will be back someday and I would make sure that by hook or by crook, I would get to watch it then.

Time passed by - WL and I graduated from our secondary school and went our separate ways to other institutions. She left Singapore to further her studies. She had always excelled academically and is ambitious of what Life can offer. I started work earlier than my peers and at this very moment, we are no longer friends. We lost touch, due to differences I am afraid to say, was largely my fault. I read and re-read the book till I could lift paragraphs out of it. I met my first boyfriend and fell in and out of love a few times. During particularly emotional nights, I wept, remembering of Erik's selfless love and how he died lonely and broken. I worked for different establishments. I dabbled in religion till I stumbled out of it and still, 'The Phantom of the Opera' was as elusive as his namesake, keeping me out of reach. It was to be a twelve years wait. It finally made its re-appearance in Singapore in 2007 and happy to say, I was already earning as an adult by then. I bought the most expensive ticket the day tickets went available for sales. I dressed myself beautifully and went off to the theatre to watch in rapture but what an agonizing wait it had been! Besides climbing The Great Wall of China which I had already done in 1996 on a school trip, watching 'The Phantom of the Opera' became the next biggest thing in my bucket list that time. Even if it had never made its way back to Singapore, I would have found a way to London.



'The Phantom of the Opera' is making its comeback from July 16 to August 11 this year so if that is in your bucket list, go grab your tickets from Sistic. I had already bought mine before it went on sales at Sistic. Even though I've watched it, a compelling love story that is my favourite musical still holds its undeniable magnetic appeal. Maybe one day, I will find myself seated in a West End theatre.

I was in Sydney last week for a very short work trip. I arrived last Sunday noon and had very little free time but was still very glad to squeeze in an afternoon of dim sum lunch at Fat Buddha and coffee with Kevin and his family. Kevin used to work in the same company as me about 8 years ago and that was how long I didn't see him or even knew he moved to Australia and started a family. The funny thing about friends sometimes is everyone could be busy with their own lives and not see each other for the longest time but when the moment comes serendipitously to meet again, the heart is still full of gladness, particularly knowing that the other person has done well in life and is happy and that was exactly how I felt when I spent the afternoon with him and his family again. It made me humble and grateful that I had the opportunity to travel and have friends in different parts of the world. Also, I've heard that prior to my arrival, the weather was gloomy and cold but the few days I was in Sydney, the weather was sunny, bright and so beautiful.

View of the Sydney Opera House from Waterfront Restaurant at Circular Quay


Watching the buskers perform at Pitt street on a Sunday afternoon
I also did the two favourite things I wanted to do in Sydney.
1. Eat the delicious pippies in XO sauce with fried vermicelli at Golden Century Seafood Restaurant.
2. Have a drink at The Baxter Inn.


I was first introduced to these amazing pippies in XO sauce after a particularly heavy night of drinking which left everyone craving for supper. You can ask for fried vermicelli as an add-on and the thick, slightly hot XO sauce soaks its way through the crispyness of the fried vermicelli. The pippies are bigger than what I could have in Singapore. They are sinfully succulent and juicy and it was not difficult to work through a kilogram of them because you just want to keep going! I can't imagine it would be healthy to have so much of it.


Photo taken from The Vigilante Photographer's flickr

Address:
Basement/152-156 Clarence St, Sydney NSW 2000, Australia

I may not be a whiskey connoisseur and in fact am very far from it. I like whiskey teamed with ginger ale or green tea and I have been accused of "bastardizing" the finer points of whiskey many a time but hey, to each their own right? The Baxter Inn is located near to Four Points by Sheraton Hotel and one night, my coworker brought me there and we had to walk through a dark alleyway where there was a bouncer who studied us critically before motioning us to climb down a flight of stairs into a dimly-lit basement. I remembered replaying the word 'dodgy' in my brains and was ready to bail anytime I smell a rat ... but the moment we passed through the doors, it felt like I had walked into a different time into a different space. It had transformed into a 1920s saloon and all that was missing was me dressing in glitzy flapper dress holding a jeweled clutch with sleeked back hair and pearls around my neck. The "Wall of Whiskeys" was impressive and I had literally no idea what to order when my turn came so I settled for just house whiskey with ginger ale and watched in fascination all night as the bartenders climbed up and down a wooden ladder to access whiskey bottles placed as high as the ceiling. Because it always felt as if I had gone back in Time in The Baxter Inn, I made it a point to try visit everytime I am in Sydney and one day, I will turn up in glittery wear no matter how odd that may seem.

The work event ran on quite smoothly and I did my fourth attempt at public speaking. I was shaking with nerves initially but after facing the crowd for awhile, the nerves did go away and I retained my composure. I definitely could do better but I was just proud of myself for not letting nerves get the better of me. I suppose the important thing about public speaking is to practice and practice and bravely volunteer at every opportunity you get and one day, you will get used to it. In the meantime, I will keep practicing and going!

Well, something else also happened at the event which had never happened before but I am not ready to talk about it yet so ... we'll leave it for another day and another time. With the ending of the events, April is also about to come to an end. Travelling twice in a month especially even if one is leisure and the other is work is just too tiring and I have never been more glad to stay in Singapore and chill out with friends.

I read the GLAMOUR magazine on and off — that is to say I read it when I have the ability to subscribe and starve off when I don't. In fact, I had let most of my fashion magazine subscriptions lapse for nearly a year, keeping only the subscription for National Geographic on my iPad. Recently Groupon had a promotion whereby you can get twice the amount of credits for what you purchase so I just paid twenty-five bucks for a fifty dollars credit. Not bad.

With that, I renewed my subscription for GLAMOUR and came across this final article by Louise Mensch for GLAMOUR as she leaves her column in a bid to keep it all within her plate for two upcoming books, a national newspaper column, her fashion blog, a spot of TV and her three kids.

Be a GLAMOUR girl in life. If I could leave you with one thought, it is this; you do not have to be like everyone else. Be ambitious. Intern. I did, and got a job in the record industry off the back of it. Spend Sunday afternoon sending out applications for dream jobs you think you have no hope of getting.

Don't slide into marriage with that guy you're seeing who you quite like and have been dating for ages, but don't love. You'll be miserable. The man who makes your knees weak and your palms sweat is out there. Don't settle for a roommate. Travel insatiably. Find cheap flights and go off on a whim on a long weekend to the cheapest destination available at the last minute. See plays. Network. Look around you, right now. Are you content with your town, your flat, your life? If so, great - if not, do something about it.

Start a blog. Read self-help books. GLAMOUR is not just about Oscar winners in golden gowns. It's about a big, beautiful, daring, ambitious life - the future is out there waiting for you to take it.

Yes, sometimes one can get a little deflated dealing with the everyday on-goings, particularly if 'everyday' is not a great day and why should it be? We all know enough that life is not a bed of roses, a box of chocolates whatever. Obstacles can seem so insurmountable at times and it's little reads like these even if it originates from a magazine, quotes you've come across from the internet, from Facebook even at the right moment right time that injects you with an extra dose of adrenaline to spur on and energize you to take another step.

One of the few blooms left of the sakura at Ueno Park, Tokyo
Late last year in December, my mother and I decided to go to Japan for hanami. 'Hanami' (花見) is the Japanese traditional custom of viewing the beauty of flowers. We then booked our airtickets early with Delta to get the best pricing for even as early as December, hanami tours were already booked out and hotel availability is scarce in central locations. It was the first time I've truly travelled alone anywhere overseas with her and because I did all the planning so that it felt as if I was going on a solo trip. These were some thoughts that ensued.

1. We've been to Taipei the year before to visit my two aunties living there but since we had the constant company of my aunties, it never really felt that we were travelling with each other. Rather, it felt like a group tour for most part which I quite enjoy because I had no responsibility for her travel experience. The good thing that came out of this trip was obviously the fact that both of us survived unscathed. My mother could be frustrating to deal with sometimes and I also don't have enough of a placid temperance to match but it was very satisfying to see her marvel at seeing Mount Fuji and the sakura, some of the things she really wanted to see in her life so all the preparations and minor disagreements fade away in lieu of seeing that glow on her face.

2. Complete strangers are not always scary. I am never really the kind of person who finds it easy to make small talk with people I do not know. I may come across as being aloof but it is really shyness at work and possibly the fear of making myself look like an imbecile the moment I open my mouth. However I let myself go in this trip and talked extensively to two strangers I met. Jo is from Laoag, Philippines and arrived one day after me. She put up at the hotel I was at in Tokyo and I started the conversation because we were both wearing the same outfit - a denim shirt and leggings. With Jo, the conversation was all about our "bucket list" to do before we die. Jo planned this trip for her big 30th birthday and she really wanted to see the sakura so I also told her the best place to view them seeing how Tokyo wasn't cooperating and sakura bloomed way earlier despite me doing a five year trend analysis. Denise was an older lady from America and she was on the same Mount Fuji/Hakone tour as us. The coach ride to Mount Fuji and back took 2 hours each way. Denise and I found ourselves seated next to each other, talking a lot about her children and places she had been. The funny thing is with the both of them, I didn't feel the need to keep in touch although it would have been nice if we had too. They are, like I am to them, passer-bys in the passage of Life.

3. When it comes down to travelling with the Mother, it never hurts to over-prepare the itinerary down to details on what transport to take and how to take them and also plan in plenty of rest time no matter how fit she claims herself to be.

4. You don't necessarily have to spend a lot to have a great time. It was one of those trips whereby I was not bogged down by my consumerist tendency and also spent very little on food because as what a friend described, my mother has a chinese palette and didn't particularly enjoy experimenting. She was happy just eating corn dogs (which the Japanese actually called them 'American dog') and instant noodles bought from FamilyMart, her two favourite food on this trip even though I've brought her to try tempura, ramen, katsu karē and tonkatsu bowls at proper restaurants.

Although I had a good time with the Mother, I still find myself questioning my tenacity for another trip with her and wondering if it would be better off leaving it to the hands of a tour agency the next time round.