Lullanotes

 Honestly I haven't recalled how long it had been since I brewed phone porridge (the locals will know what it means) even though Whatsapp and other messaging apps tore down the barrier of expensive phone tolls but accessibility did not necessarily facilitate meaningful renewed connections. Promptly worded responses replaced calling impulses and one worded answers stood in as a pretext of presence but I am doubtlessly guilty as such which made his phone call even more precious amidst the cacophony of scam and telemarketing calls. 

 I gave myself a break these few days. I've typically worked through my past birthdays but not this year where I just want to be myself and not a smiling voice behind meetings. There are things to be grateful for - the old friends who are willing to take the time to come out and "celebrate" over a meal and the new friends who would usually reject weekend social activities, wanting to stay home making a concerted effort to brave the weekend crowd. 

As an up and coming 45 year old, the far and few friends in between are starting to feel infinitely precious.

Perhaps the words I used to want to string into poetic sentences had dwindled. They all exist as a jumbled mess in my head. Perhaps it is okay to forget, and not everything needs to be immortalized. 

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps but now I am back in my struggling forties, struggling to come to grips with being elderly, struggling with my girlish heart in denial screaming inward profanities everytime someone calls me "Auntie". 

I don't know how long I am back but I am back till I become silent yet again but Silence is not necessarily a farewell - it is me being comfortable without a need to justify my thoughts and presence or to think about anything at all. Jobs said "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish" but I say "Stay Empty". Nary a worry, just be happy.